wednesday

kevin worked this weekend, which is not always the norm, but he had a lot of stuff to do, and as much as i hated it for him, i am so very grateful that {even though things aren't always perfect} god gave me a hard working husband. i don't have to worry about things with him. he keeps me and boyd safe and secure and i am thankful more than he will ever know. we also had our usual weekend fun with neighbors, which has become a weeky ritual, it's fun and so crazy, and i always look forward to it.

boyd and i spent a really good day on monday with kevin's mom.
boyd loves his grandma.

thankful for monday.

yesterday my sweet and witty grandma turned 85 years young, and i love her dearly. 

happy birthday g.

since we had a long holiday weekend,

yesterday i cleaned up the house, ran a bunch of errands,

sat in traffic for 52 minutes and moved about one mile,

lit a candle, drank diet root beer from a new wine glass.

  boyd came home from school and we played outside.

and i might have moved on from root beer to wine at this point.

just one glass though.

this morning.

oh this morning.

i went to run 2 errands, 

and this song came on the radio, finally home.

and now i can say that i've walked into the dollar store with tears running down my cheeks,

because i could not turn them off.

i've cried in public before, i'm sure i'll do it again.

I'm gonna wrap my arms around my daddy's neck
And tell him that I've missed him
And tell him all about the man that I became
And hope that it pleased him
There's so much I wanna say
So much I want you to know

When I finally make it home

When I finally make it home

Then I'll gaze upon the throne of the King
Frozen in my steps
And all the questions that I swore I would ask
Words just won't come yet
So amazed at what I've seen
So much more than this old mind can hold

When I finally make it home
When I finally make it home

And the sweetest sound these ears have yet to hear
The voices of the angels

When I finally make it home
When I finally make it home

 and as soon as the song came on, the date rang in my head...

tomorrow my daddy has been with the angels for 15 years.

how in the world is that possible.

15 years ago, on a saturday night, he slipped away suddenly and with no warning.

i don't always dwell on that date. in fact, most years it goes by, and i realize it has come and gone a week or a month later. sometimes when my mom and i get together we might talk about my dad and one of us will cry and wonder why we cry all this time later. i try to explain that it's like telling someone goodbye and you miss them a little at first, but as time goes on, the amount that you miss them increases incredibly.

this song hit home. it made me long for him like i've never done before. i can't wait to hug him again. 

if i had my way, i'd be doing it on this earth, but i can't, and i miss him terribly.
I MISS HAVING A DAD.

someone once told me it was time to move on, he was gone, and at that time it had only been a few years.

ouch. those words were so hurtful.

i have never lived my life revolving around his death, but it has impacted me and changed me in many ways.

this was big to me. this has changed me. i have a wonderful and happy life, but the truth is there is a hole. there is no reason to question it though, because god works everything for his good, and i can rest in that knowledge.
i love you dad, and i miss you.
if i could send you a box of cherry mash candy, i would. i hope you have them in abundance up there.

you were the best dad.

 in true fashion, i'll change subjects now.

my happy bowl, from santa fe.

we all need one.
we all need happy.

i'm obsessed with oranges, and a square each night of really dark chocolate.

get yourself a happy bowl for your kitchen.

life is beautiful.

love,

nicolle